Throughout the chapters, you will learn that I have a need and a want to remember my accident and stay in hospital.
I've been seeing a neuro psychologist for just over a year and we have been coming up with ways to get me some closure. I have recently been looking for an escape from the brain injury and the fact I don't remember things, which I will talk about later on. The aim is to fill in the blanks I have as best as possible, get more information, write everything down in one place and try and get closure on that part of my life. I need more information than I think everyone thinks I need, I need everything I can get. I was advised to give myself a time limit to collect this information otherwise when will I stop? I could spend years wondering and I would never feel satisfied. I have given myself until December 2015.
I am getting friends and family to write down their stories and memories of my time in hospital and I am requesting my medical notes and copies of my scans from Kings. I'm hoping that along with the photos I've already got of me in hospital, I can match these with the stories I get and the hospital notes then hopefully I can build a real picture of my time in hospital, maybe even being able to pinpoint what happened on what day. I will also be co-ordinating with Kings to visit the ward I was on, I'm not worried about visiting Intensive care, I just want to see the ward where I was awake. I can't find out any more information about the accident; the police have insufficient evidence so they don't even know what happened. I have already spoken to the firemen, the ambulance service and the Air ambulance, so there isn't a lot more that I can do.
I just can't stand the fact that so much has happened to me and changed my life and I don't remember. I'm told that I'll never remember that time so if I attempt to put the jigsaw back together, that will be the best I'll ever get. I know that I will always have questions that can't be answered but at least I will have a lot of information to look at so maybe I won't stress about it anymore.
I am writing this so I can keep track of my 'journey', have everything written down in one place and maybe in a year's time, I can read all this and see that I have progressed. This will also make me come to terms with things; it's real if it's written down. My writing doesn't have a time limit like my information collecting, I will continue to write here as a brain injury doesn't go away. There will always be new challenges, something new to say or achievements that I'm proud of.
When I have all this information, ideally it is meant to give me closure. It's ok to have things written down on paper but it's not a memory, that's tough to deal with. Is it possible to really move on when I have so many blanks? We will have to wait and see.
In regards to the accident, I am not ready to give in to the fact that I won't remember it, I'm not sure I ever will. Over and over in my head I picture myself turning into that junction, but none of them pictures show me having an accident. Did I know I was going to be hit? Did I try and move? Did I make a sound? How much pain did I feel? There are so many questions. I am now considering Hypnotherapy which I've heard can bring back memories. I've been advised to think about what I want to achieve from this and also give myself a time limit for doing it, because if I don't get what I want from it the first time, when would I stop?
No-one will understand why I'm so determined to remember, someone once said to me 'it doesn't really matter what happened, it happened'. None of this has happened to you so you won't understand; just don't judge me for wanting to remember. I would give anything to remember but there will be a point when I can't do anymore.
Maybe one day ill realise that I'll never remember.
Maybe Hypnotherapy will work.
Maybe one day I will get closure.
Maybe one day my brain will stop hating me.
I will continue to use this as an outlet, who knows in a few months I might have come to terms with things, I might read this all back and realise that I'm being an idiot, or I might read all this back after remembering the accident and wonder why I wanted to remember.
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